


IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY AND OFFER CONSTRUCTIVE INSIGHT FROM THE FUTURE YOU CAN JUST PISS IN YOUR OWN EYE TIL YOU DROWN

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:21:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23845135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Karkat opens a memo.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 26
Kudos: 158





	IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY AND OFFER CONSTRUCTIVE INSIGHT FROM THE FUTURE YOU CAN JUST PISS IN YOUR OWN EYE TIL YOU DROWN

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, HUMAN GIBBERISH TRANSLATION EDITION.  


CCG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY DOING THIS MEMO BULLSHIT AGAIN.  
CCG: I GUESS I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.  
CCG: I JUST NEED TO AIR OUT SOME SHIT WITH SOMEBODY, AND THERE’S LITERALLY NO ONE HERE I CAN TALK TO WHO DOESN’T HAVE 17 DIFFERENT ULTERIOR MOTIVES.  
CCG: AND THAT FUCKING KNOWING LOOK IN THEIR EYE  
CCG: YOU KNOW THE ONE  
CCG: THE ONE THAT’S ONE PART SMIRKING INNUENDO  
CCG: ONE PART PITY  
CCG: AND NOT THE SEXY KIND OF PITY  
CCG: JUST THE POOR FUCKING KARKAT THANK THE FUCKING STARS I MANAGED TO CRAWL OUT OF A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT PILE OF SLUDGE THAN HIM OR I WOULD’VE OFFED MYSELF LONG AGO KIND  
CCG: AND ALSO ONE PART FUCK YOU  
CCG: DIRECTED AT ME  
CCG: OBVIOUSLY  
CCG: ...  
CCG: YOU KNOW?  
CCG: HEY, ARE YOU THERE?  
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 10 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FCG: FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.  
CCG: OH FUCK!  
CCG: WAIT  
CCG: OH...  
CCG: HEY  
FCG: I CAN'T  
FCG: I JUST CANNOT  
FCG: *FUCKING*  
FCG: ***BELIEVE***  
FCG: I HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THIS BULLSHIT AGAIN WITH YOU/ME.  
FCG: WHAT THE FUCK MADE ME THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA???  
CCG: UH  
CCG: BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER...  
CCG: THIS IS ME, RIGHT?  
FCG: OH WOW, WHAT TIPPED YOU OFF????  
FCG: DO I HAVE A DISTINCTIVE WAY OF TYPING I NEVER FUCKING NOTICED BEFORE?  
FCG: AND HERE I THOUGHT I WAS BEING SO DISCREET, BLENDING IN SO FUCKING WELL!  
FCG: BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THE JIG IS FUCKING UP!  
FCG: YOU'VE RIPPED THE LATEX FACE DISGUISE SKIN OFF AND REVEALED THE ASSHOLE BENEATH!  
CCG: EUGH  
FCG: THE ASSHOLE IS MY *FACE,* ASSHOLE.  
FCG: FUCKING CALM DOWN.  
CCG: *YOU* FUCKING CALM DOWN!  
FCG: OK  
FCG: FINE  
FCG: MAYBE I WILL  
FCG: MAYBE I’LL BE THE MATURE ONE IN THIS DISGUSTING INFECTED PIMPLE OF A CONVERSATION FOR ONCE, AND I’LL CALM DOWN AND TALK REASONABLY.  
FCG: STEP ONE ON MY CRUSADE OF BRINGING SHIT TO ORDER LIKE CIVILIZED PEOPLE:  
FCG: YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S UP WITH THE RED.  
CCG: UH  
CCG: YEAH  
CCG: PRETTY MUCH.  
CCG: IT’S SERIOUSLY THROWING ME OFF MY GAME.  
FCG: OH YEAH, AND YOUR GAME IS USUALLY *SOOOOO* ON.  
CCG: FUCK YOU!  
CCG: IT’S YOUR GAME TOO, YOU INSUFFERABLE BILGEDONKEY!  
CCG: AND IT’S *YOUR* TEXT!  
CCG: WE DON'T DO THAT. THE SHOWY, SELF-ABSORBED "PAINT YOUR TEXT IN YOUR BLOOD COLOR" THING. OR EYE COLOR, OR WHATEVER.  
CCG: IT'S FOR ATTENTION-GREEDY, INSECURE LOSERS.  
FCG: YEAH, AND FOR A SECOND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS ONE ATTENTION-GREEDY, INSECURE LOSER IN PARTICULAR, DIDN’T YOU?  
CCG: NO!!!!  
FCG: HOLY SHIT  
FCG: WHAT EVEN IS THE POINT IN DENYING THIS RIGHT NOW?  
FCG: I’M YOU TEN MINUTES FROM NOW!  
FCG: NOT ONLY DO I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING, I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT TO SAY TO ME.  
FCG: I’M DOUBLY IN ON YOUR INSECURE LITTLE ATTEMPTS AT “DECEPTION.”  
FCG: THERE IS LITERALLY NO WAY TRYING TO HIDE THIS FROM ME COULD BE ANY MORE THE PATHETIC, DESPERATE LAST-DITCH ATTEMPT AT DUPLICITY OF THE CHRONICALLY BRAID DEAD.  
FCG: EXCEPT WAIT  
FCG: OH SHIT  
FCG: I JUST REALIZED  
FCG: THERE *IS*  
FCG: BECAUSE NOT ONLY DO I SO OBVIOUSLY KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT  
FCG: ANYBODY ELSE WHOSE TURN IT IS TO TAKE THE METEOR’S SHARED BRAIN CELL FOR A SPIN FOR THE DAY WOULD TOO.  
FCG: BECAUSE EVERYBODY ELSE KNOWS THERE’S ONLY ONE PERSON AROUND WHO ACTUALLY USES THIS COLOR THAT’S GOT YOU SO HOT AND BOTHERED.  
FCG: SO NOT ONLY IS IT USELESS TO TRY TO TRICK ME, IT'D BE EQUALLY AS USELESS TO TRY TO TRICK ANY OTHER PERSON WE KNOW IF THEY HAPPENED TO STUMBLE ACROSS THIS...  
FCG: THIS...  
FCG: WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS.  
FCG: SOME KIND OF SORRY SELF MASTURBATORY PITY PARTY.  
CCG: “SELF MASTURBATORY?”  
CCG: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??  
FCG: YEAH OK IT’S NOT MY BEST  
FCG: BUT JUST YOU WAIT  
FCG: YOU TRY TALKING TO YOU FOR TEN FUCKING MINUTES AND COUNTING AND THEN COME UP WITH SOMETHING BETTER.  
FCG: MY THINK SPONGE HAS ACTUALLY BEEN MELTED BY THE BLAZING STUPIDITY AND EMBARRASSMENT OF HAVING TO DEAL WITH THIS CONVERSATION.  
FCG: I’M SO DONE.  
CCG: HMM.  
FCG: FUCKING WHAT??  
CCG: NOTHING.  
CCG: I'M JUST THINKING  
CCG: THIS REALLY MAKES OUR CONVERSATIONS EASIER TO READ.  
FCG: THIS IS INSANE.  
FCG: I’M BUSTING MY NOOK HERE TRYING TO TEAR YOU A NEW ONE, AND YOU’RE HONING IN ON FUCKING SCANSION???  
CCG: REMEMBER THOSE INSANE BLOCKS OF GRAY ANGRY TEXT WE USED TO WRITE TOGETHER.  
CCG: WHAT WAS THAT  
CCG: OH MY GOD  
CCG: LIKE TWO PERIGEES AGO????  
CCG: FUCKING SHIT ON A CRACKER THIS TRIP IS GOING TO TAKE FOR GODDAMN EVER.  
CCG: IS IT WEIRD THAT I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING BACK ON ALL THAT INSANITY WITH A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF FONDNESS?  
CCG: AT LEAST SHIT WAS HAPPENING.  
CCG: IT'S SO BORING OUT HERE. AND LIVING WITH THE HUMANS IS JUST GETTING KIND OF  
CCG: WEIRD.  
FCG: OH IS IT???  
CCG: ANYWAY, THIS IS ACTUALLY A LOT MORE DECIPHERABLE. MAYBE YOU'RE ONTO SOMETHING.  
FCG: WELL HEY, CHECK IT OUT: SHIT JUST GOT NOSTALGIC.  
FCG: LOOK AT THAT, I'M FEELING MORE SENTIMENTAL ABOUT THIS MORONIC CONVERSATION ALREADY.  
CCG: OK, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO FROM ZERO TO DOUCHE LIKE IN THE BLINK OF A FUCKING GLANCE NUGGET.  
FCG: THE BLINK OF A GLANCE NUGGET?? I'VE BEEN AT THIS FOR TEN MINUTES ALREADY. AND COUNTING!  
CCG: I JUST THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN ON TO SOMETHING WITH THE RED TEXT. I WAS TRYING TO PAY YOU A COMPLIMENT YOU ANTAGONIZING FUCK.  
CCG: I MEAN, WE ONLY EVER GOT IN THE HABIT OF TYPING IN GRAY TO HIDE OUR BLOOD COLOR, RIGHT?  
CCG: BUT EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT IT NOW.  
CCG: OR AT LEAST  
CCG: YOU KNOW  
CCG: EVERYBODY WHO MATTERS.  
FCG: OH WOW  
FCG: WHAT COULD THIS *POSSIBLY* BE APROPOS OF????  
CCG: I JUST MEAN  
CCG: THE OTHER TROLLS  
CCG: YOU KNOW  
CCG: ANYONE WHO COULD CONCEIVABLY GIVE TWO FLYING SHITS ABOUT THE HEMOSPECTRUM IS CLUED IN NOW.  
CCG: AND CHECK IT OUT  
CCG: HERE WE ARE  
CCG: *AMONG THE UNCULLED*  
FCG: OH MY GOD YOU’RE RIGHT!!  
CCG: OF COURSE I AM!  
CCG: ABOUT WHAT?  
FCG: I JUST DUNKED MY FIST INTO MY MEMORY SAC AND YOU'RE RIGHT, I REMEMBER THAT THAT’S *PRECISELY* WHAT I MEANT WHEN I TYPED THAT TEN MINUTES AGO!  
FCG: I LEFT EXACTLY ZERO EMBARRASSING ADMISSIONS UNSAID!  
FCG: IT’S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW!  
CCG: SWEET ASSING SHIT HOW CAN ANYONE STAND YOU???  
CCG: *ALL* I WAS TRYING TO DO WAS POINT OUT THAT YOU MIGHT BE ONTO SOMETHING HERE WITH THE DIFFERENT COLORS.  
CCG: *YOU’RE* THE ONE WHO HAD TO BE A GIGANTIC FLAMING DOUCHE BASKET AND MAKE IT INTO SOMETHING IT’S SO CLEARLY NOT, THUS IRREVERSIBLY RUINING YOUR ONE HALFWAYS DECENT IDEA IN THE PROCESS!  
CCG: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT FUCKFACE?  
CCG: I’M BETTER THAN YOU  
CCG: SO I’M GONNA DO WHAT YOU’RE TOO COWARDLY TO DO.  
CCG: I'M GONNA DO THE *MATURE* THING HERE: AND SWITCH MY TEXT TO RED.  
CCG: THERE. I THINK THIS SHOULD BE THE UNIVERSAL CONVENTION FOR WHEN TWO OF THE SAME PEOPLE ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER.  
CCG: ONE GUY BITES THE BULLET AND TALKS IN RED.  
CCG: SERIOUSLY, ONE OF US HAS TO BE THE GROWN UP HERE.  
FCG: OH! I GET IT NOW.  
FCG: WHEN I TYPE IN RED, I’M BELLIGERENTLY PRODDING YOUR “NON-EXISTENT” INFATUATION, BUT WHEN YOU DO IT, YOU ARE SHOULDERING THE PRAGMATIC BURDEN OF A MARTYR, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS *MY* FUCKING IDEA TO DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE TEN MINUTES AGO!  
FCG: YOU PIECE OF SHIT.  
CCG: OK!!! GOD DAMMIT, STOP BEING SO SENSITIVE. I FUCKING APOLOGIZE.  
FCG: CAN YOU JUST TALK ABOUT YOUR STUPID FEELINGS ALREADY SO WE CAN GET THIS NIGHTMARE OVER WITH.  
CCG: WELL LOOK, IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THIS LOPSIDED THING WHERE I SPILL ALL MY FEELINGS INTO IDIOTSPACE WHILE SOME SHIT HEAD YELLS AT ME.  
CCG: I WAS KIND OF THINKING THERE WOULD BE SOME GIVE AND TAKE, SINCE YOU PRESUMABLY SHARE A LOT OF MY THOUGHTS??  
FCG: OK WHATEVER. JUST SAY SOME STUFF ALREADY. ALL THAT SHIT I SAID TEN MINUTES AGO.  
FCG: I WILL "RIFF" WITH YOU AND SOMEHOW PRETEND IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE I'M REHASHING A BUNCH OF LINES WRITTEN IN BARELY DRIED INK!!!  
CCG: OK  
CCG: WELL  
CCG: THANKS  
CCG: ...  
CCG: IT’S KIND OF NICE TO KNOW YOU’RE LISTENING.  
CCG: EVEN IF YOU’RE BEING YOUR USUAL SHITTY SELF ABOUT IT.  
CCG: AT LEAST I DON’T HAVE TO SECOND AND TRIPLE GUESS YOUR EVERY MOVE AND INTENTION, YOU KNOW?  
CCG: IT’S LIKE  
CCG: I HATE YOU, YOU HATE ME.  
CCG: WE KNOW WHERE WE STAND.  
CCG: WE BOTH THINK WE'RE THE WORST PIECES OF SHIT WE WERE EVER CURSED TO FIND LOOKING BACK OUT OF THE REFLECTIVE PANEL EVERY DAY  
CCG: AND WE CAN LEAVE IT AT THAT.  
CCG: IT’S NICE AND SIMPLE.  
CCG: MAYBE WE SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN...  
FCG: SDJS;ALSKJFSA;JK  
CCG: WHAT?  
FCG: THIS PART OF THE CONVERSATION.  
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH IT??  
FCG: *YOU* ARE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH IT!  
FCG: YOU INSUFFERABLE ASS NOODLE!  
FCG: YOU ARE *ACTUALLY* HITTING ON YOURSELF RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE YOU’VE GOTTEN IT INTO YOUR PAN THAT IT’S EASIER THAN PUTTING TWO SECONDS’ WORTH OF EFFORT INTO DECIPHERING YOUR OWN ACTUAL INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T AUTOMATICALLY SHARE YOUR OWN GODDAMN THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS!  
FCG: IF I DIDN’T HAVE TO SEE IT UNFOLDING BEFORE MY VERY GANDER BULBS I’D NEVER BELIEVE I HAD THE GLOBES TO SINK THIS LOW.  
FCG: BUT HERE WE ARE.  
FCG: YOU ARE *ACTUALLY* ROMANTICIZING A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF  
FCG: BECAUSE YOU CAN ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING  
FCG: AND THERE’S NO FRUSTRATING MYSTERY TO IT.  
FCG: WELL NEWSFLASH, ASSHOLE!  
FCG: I KNOW *EXACTLY* WHAT YOU’RE THINKING, AND I CAN’T FUCKING STAND YOU!  
FCG: UH OH  
FCG: LOOKS LIKE THERE’S TROUBLE IN PARADISE!  
CCG: I’M NOT ROMANTICIZING SHIT!  
CCG: I’M ASKING FOR YOUR HELP!  
CCG: IT’D BE PRETTY FUCKING DOUCHETASTIC OF ME TO BE HITTING ON YOU AND ASKING FOR ADVICE AT THE SAME TIME, WOULDN’T IT??  
FCG: NO, ACTUALLY IT’D BE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE IF YOU KNEW WHAT FUCKING QUADRANT YOU WERE WORKING WITH FOR ANY OF THIS.  
FCG: BUT YOU DON’T.  
FCG: SWEET FUCK YOU ARE SUCH A DISASTER.  
CCG: YES! I *AM* A DISASTER!  
CCG: THAT’S WHY I NEED YOU TO WEIGH IN ON THIS.  
CCG: GET SOME OUTSIDE PERSPECTIVE  
FCG: OK  
FCG: WOW  
FCG: I KNOW PAST ME WAS AN IDIOT, BUT THAT STATEMENT HAS *GOT* TO TAKE THE GRAND FUCKING PRIZE.  
CCG: OH  
CCG: YEAH  
CCG: SHIT  
CCG: I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.  
CCG: OK, IF I’M BEING PERFECTLY HONEST I WAS KIND OF HOPING TO GET SOME INPUT FROM A ME A LITTLE FURTHER ALONG IN THE TIMELINE MAYBE  
CCG: SO REALLY THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT  
CCG: I HAD THE PERFECT PLAN  
CCG: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO FUCKED IT UP.  
CCG: NICE JOB ASSHAT.  
FCG: OH JEGUS SHIT  
FCG: OH FUCKING CHRIST  
CCG: WHAT??  
FCG: NOTHING JUST  
FCG: UGG  
FCG: THAT REMINDED ME...  
CCG: ????  
FCG: BRACE YOURSELF  
FCG: AND GET READY TO YELL.  
CCG: I’M ALWAYS READY TO YELL.  
FCG: GOOD  
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist 2 [FCG2] 19,199 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FCG2: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA  
FCG: FUCK YOU!  
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK???  
FCG2: AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA  
FCG: YEAH  
FCG: HE’S JUST GONNA KEEP DOING THAT.  
FCG2: HHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAH  
CCG: OH MY GOD  
FCG: FUCK YOU!!!!!!!  
CCG: YEAH FUCK YOU MAN!!!  
FCG2: HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA  
FCG: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!  
CCG: YEAH, WE’RE HAVING A SOBERING HEART TO HEART, YOU OOZING GLOBESACK!  
FCG2: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
CCG: IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY  
CCG: AND OFFER SOME CONSTRUCTIVE INSIGHT FROM THE FUTURE  
CCG: THEN YOU CAN JUST PISS IN YOUR OWN EYE TIL YOU DROWN!  
FCG2: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA  
CCG: FUCKING...  
CCG: DOES HE EVER SAY ANYTHING ELSE?  
FCG: NO HE DOES NOT.  
CCG: OK I’M BANNING HIS ASS  
FCG2: HA!  
FCG2 banned himself from responding to memo.  
CCG: THAT  
CCG: MOTHER  
CCG: *FUCKER*  
CCG: DIDN’T EVEN GIVE ME THE SATISFACTION OF BANNING HIM!  
CCG: HOW ARROGANT CAN YOU POSSIBLY GET????  
FCG: I KNOW  
FCG: UG  
FCG: IT’S EVEN WORSE THE SECOND TIME, TRUST ME.  
CCG: FUUUUCK  
CCG: WHATEVER  
CCG: WE DON’T NEED THAT JACKASS  
CCG: YOU CAN JUST HELP ME.  
FCG: OH GOD NO  
CCG: COME ON, SERIOUSLY.  
CCG: I’M OFFERING AN OILFRUIT BRANCH HERE  
CCG: GIVING YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO SCHOOL ME WITH ANY KNOWLEDGE YOU HAVE.  
CCG: WHAT DO YOU THINK?  
CCG: ABOUT... YOU KNOW.  
CCG: IS THERE SOMETHING LEGITIMATELY RED GOING ON HERE?  
CCG: HOW CAN I COMMAND SUCH ABSOLUTE MASTERY OVER THE ROMANTIC SCIENCES YET REMAIN PERPLEXED BY THIS???  
CCG: MAYBE I CAN'T GET A READ BECAUSE HE'S NOT A TROLL, AND THEREFORE HAS NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK HE'S DOING?  
CCG: IT'S LIKE TRYING TO DECIPHER THE INTRICATE COURTSHIP PROCESS OF SOME SORT OF VEGETABLE.  
CCG: LIKE IT DOESN'T COMPUTE.  
FCG: OH MY FUCKING GOD.  
CCG: AM I OFF BASE??  
FCG: WE JUST WENT OVER THIS.  
FCG: YOU ARE *SO* FUCKING OFF BASE.  
FCG: UG  
FCG: AND I KNOW WHY.  
CCG: YOU DO?  
FCG: YEAH.  
CCG: WELL OF COURSE YOU DO.  
CCG: I GUESS BECAUSE I JUST TOLD YOU TEN MINUTES AGO, MAKING IT LIKE A SELF-FULFILLING EPIPHANY??  
FCG: WELL THERE'S THAT  
FCG: BUT ALSO THIS CONVERSATION HELPED CLARIFY SOME THOUGHTS TOO, IN SPITE OF ITS EXCRUCIATING POINTLESSNESS.  
FCG: I DIDN'T GET IT THEN BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY WHINING AND FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF LIKE YOU'RE DOING NOW SO PIPE DOWN AND LISTEN.  
FCG: DAVE IS GOOD FOR YOU.  
CCG: !  
FCG: AND YEAH, I’M ACTUALLY GONNA SAY HIS NAME.  
FCG: I KNOW WE’VE BEEN SKIRTING AROUND IT THIS WHOLE TIME  
FCG: LIKE SAYING IT LOUD IS GONNA SOMEHOW SUMMON HIM LIKE HE’S HUMAN MICHAEL KEATON OR SOMETHING.  
FCG: I MEAN I KNOW THESE MEMOS ARE TECHNICALLY PUBLIC, BUT I’M PRETTY SURE EVERYONE LEARNED LONG A-FUCKING-GO TO AVOID THESE THINGS LIKE VIRULENT NUB DISSOLUTION  
FCG: FUCKING FUTURE US NOTWITHSTANDING  
FCG: SO I DON’T THINK ANYONE’S GOING TO SEE.  
FCG: I’M PRETTY SURE WE’RE SAFE IN OUR OWN HAVEN OF SELF-LOATHING.  
CCG: YEAH YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT  
FCG: I KNOW I AM  
FCG: SO  
FCG: BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND  
FCG: *****DAVE*****  
FCG: IS THE BEST GODDAMN THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.  
CCG: HAPPENED???  
CCG: NOTHING’S EVEN FUCKING HAPPENED!  
FCG: OH MY *GOD* SHUT UP  
FCG: JUST LISTEN  
FCG: HE LIKES YOU!  
FCG: OK??  
FCG: IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS.  
FCG: HE’S ALWAYS AROUND, AND HAS ACTUALLY TOLD YOU, POINT BLANK, THAT HE ENJOYS YOUR COMPANY.  
CCG: SURE, BUT WHO THE FUCK ELSE IS HE GOING TO BE SPENDING TIME WITH??  
CCG: I’M PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY OPTION.  
FCG: SURE YOU ARE.  
CCG: WOW  
CCG: FUCK YOU??  
FCG: UGGGG  
FCG: WHAT I MEAN IS  
FCG: WHO CARES?  
FCG: THERE’S SEVEN GODDAMN PEOPLE ON THIS ROCK.  
FCG: AND ONE MAYOR.  
FCG: I’M NOT REALLY SURE IF HE COUNTS AS A PERSON YET OR NOT.  
CCG: HE IS PRETTY ADORABLE...  
FCG: YEAH, OF FUCKING COURSE HE IS!  
FCG: BUT THAT’S BESIDES THE POINT.  
FCG: ALL I’M SAYING IS  
FCG: WHO CARES IF DAVE HANGS OUT WITH YOU BECAUSE THE OPTIONS ARE LIMITED?  
FCG: HE’S STILL HANGING OUT WITH YOU!  
FCG: AND HE SEEMS TO ENJOY IT, RIGHT?  
CCG: I GUESS.  
FCG: YEAH  
FCG: HE DOES.  
FCG: AND *YOU* CAN’T FUCKING STAND THAT.  
CCG: WHAT IN THE GREASED MONKEY NUTS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???  
CCG: I LITERALLY SUMMONED YOU HERE BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET MORE OF IT!  
FCG: NO  
FCG: NO NO NO NO NO  
FCG: YOU’RE JUST SHOOTING YOURSELF IN BOTH FEET HERE.  
CCG: WHAT??  
FCG: HOLY SHIT  
FCG: YOU’RE SHOOTING YOUR FEET SO MUCH THEY’VE BEEN OBLITERATED.  
FCG: CONGRATULATIONS, YOUR FEET ARE GONE!  
FCG: IT’S JUST KNEES.  
FCG: AND NOW YOU’RE JUST WAVING THE BUTT OF THE GUN AROUND IN YOUR OWN FACE, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE BEST ANGLE TO SHOOT THOSE OFF TOO!  
CCG: WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT????  
FCG: THIS IS SUCH CLASSIC SELF SABOTAGE  
FCG: I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE  
FCG: THEY MIGHT AS WELL JUST CHANGE THE NAME  
FCG: HAVE YOU SEEN THE MEMO?  
FCG: NOT THIS MEMO, OBVIOUSLY  
FCG: THE OFFICIAL MEMO  
FCG: PUT OUT BY THE FUCKING MAYOR  
CCG: ????  
FCG: THEY'RE NOT CALLING IT ROMANTIC SELF SABOTAGE ANYMORE.  
FCG: THEY'RE JUST CALLING IT “THE KARKAT.”  
CCG: OH FUCK YOU!  
CCG: HOW COULD I POSSIBLY BE SABOTAGING MYSELF HERE???  
FCG: BY SO DESPERATELY TRYING TO FORCE THIS INTO QUADRANTS, YOU INSANE TOOL, HOW DO YOU THINK??  
FCG: THIS IS JUST LIKE IT WAS WITH TEREZI.  
CCG: OH MY GOD  
CCG: HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!  
FCG: OH COME ON.  
FCG: IT’S SO PAINFULLY OBVIOUS.  
FCG: YOU WERE ALWAYS SO DESPERATE WITH HER  
FCG: ALWAYS TRYING TO SQUEEZE A ROUND PEG INTO A SQUARE HOLE OF WHATEVER TRUMPED UP IDEALIZED IDIOCY YOU GOT IT INTO YOUR HEAD WAS THE ROMANTIC TROPE DU FUCKING JOUR.  
FCG: AND GETTING SO NEEDY AND DEMANDING WHEN SHE DIDN’T KEEP UP WITH WHATEVER SHITBIRD SCRIPT YOU EXPECTED HER TO JUST MAGICALLY *KNOW* TO FOLLOW.  
CCG: OH BULLSHIT.  
FCG: LIKE FUCK IT'S BULLSHIT.  
FCG: AND THEN WHEN SHE GAVE YOU THE COLD SHOULDER  
FCG: (AS SHE HAD *EVERY RIGHT UNDER THE MOONS TO DO*)  
FCG: (BY THE FUCKING WAY)  
FCG: YOU TOOK ONE LOOK AROUND LIKE A LITTLE PRAIRIE BURROW CREATURE  
FCG: LOCKED EYES ON DAVE  
FCG: AND DECIDED TO START THE PROCESS ONCE A-FUCKING-GAIN  
CCG: THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS.  
FCG: IS IT???  
CCG: YES!  
CCG: I DIDN’T JUST LATCH ONTO DAVE LIKE SOME CLINGY REBOUNDING FUCKWAD  
CCG: *HE* LATCHED ONTO *ME!*  
CCG: WHICH IS THE SOURCE, NEED I REMIND YOU, OF *ALL OF OUR GODDAMN PROBLEMS!*  
FCG: OH MY GOD  
FCG: NO  
FCG: THE SOURCE OF OUR PROBLEMS  
FCG: IS *YOU*  
FCG: AND THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO TREAT HIM JUST LIKE TEREZI.  
FCG: GETTING “ROMANCED” BY YOUR ASS WAS ENOUGH TO SEND HER FOR THE FUCKING HILLS IN NO TIME AT ALL  
FCG: AND SHE’S YOUR OWN GODDAMN SPECIES!  
FCG: DAVE HAS *NO* FUCKING CONTEXT FOR ANY OF THIS  
FCG: WHICH TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST GOES A LONG WAY TOWARD EXPLAINING WHY HE HASN’T FUCKING BAILED ON YOU YET.  
CCG: FUCK YOU  
FCG: I’M SERIOUS.  
FCG: IT’S THE SQUARE HOLE ALL OVER AGAIN.  
FCG: EXCEPT HE’S NOT EVEN A ROUND PEG.  
FCG: HE’S  
FCG: LIKE  
FCG: A FUCKING TOASTER.  
FCG: YOU’RE TRYING TO PUT A TOASTER IN A SQUARE HOLE.  
FCG: IT’S NOT GONNA FUCKING WORK.  
CCG: TOASTERS ARE SQUARE, DIPSHIT.  
FCG: NOT THIS ONE!  
FCG: THIS ONE’S A FUCKING DODECAHEDRON TESSERACT WITH WINGS!  
CCG: THAT MAKES TOAST.  
FCG: YES IT MAKES TOAST YOU ASSWAD!!!  
FCG: JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO MY ANALOGY.  
FCG: YOU ARE GONNA TAKE THAT TOASTER.  
FCG: AND YOU ARE GONNA BASH IT.  
FCG: YOU ARE GONNA BASH IT SO MUCH YOU’RE GONNA BREAK IT.  
FCG: AND THEN IT WON’T EVEN MAKE TOAST FOR YOU ANYMORE.  
FCG: AND YOU’RE GONNA GET YOUR HEART BROKEN IN THE PROCESS LIKE A DESPERATE FOOL.  
FCG: YOU’RE GONNA BE A SAD  
FCG: HEARTBROKEN  
FCG: *TOASTLESS*  
FCG: IDIOT.  
CCG: I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS.  
FCG: YOU KIND OF DO, FOR AT LEAST ANOTHER TEN MINUTES.  
CCG: NO, FUCK THAT, I'M SO DONE WITH YOU.  
FCG: YEAH, YOU PRETTY MUCH ARE, BECAUSE THE TEN MINUTES ARE ABOUT UP, AND I'LL BE GONE.  
FCG: THEN IT'LL JUST BE YOU AND THE OTHER GUY, SPINNING YOUR GLOBES TOGETHER LIKE A COUPLE STUPID PIECES OF SHIT, AD INFINITUM.  
CCG: MAN, I MUST HAVE BEEN INSANE TO THINK ANYTHING IS DIFFERENT.  
CCG: YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED AT ALL, YOU'RE JUST AS PETTY AND HORRIBLE AS EVER.  
CCG: FUCK YOU FOREVER. FUCK EVERY TEN-MINUTES-AHEAD VERSION OF MYSELF ALL THE WAY INTO TEN-MINUTE-FUCKING-ETERNITY.  
FCG: I CAN'T EVEN DO THIS, NOT ANY MORE.  
CCG: YEAH, WELL YOU MADE YOUR COCOON, PAL. NOW WE HAVE TO TAKE TURNS SHITTING IN IT, TOGETHER. IT IS THE MOST PATHETIC, SMELLIEST DANCE OF ALL.  
FCG: UGG.  
FCG: THIS BACKFIRED SO MUCH  
FCG: ALL I WANTED WAS TO OWN YOU  
FCG: AND INSTEAD I’VE JUST DEPRESSED MYSELF  
FCG: WHILE YOU CARRY ON  
FCG: SPINNING INTO INFINITY  
FCG: LIKE SOME KIND OF RAGEY, PERPETUAL MOTION BEYBLADE.  
CCG: YEAH THAT’S RIGHT!  
CCG: YOU CAN’T FUCKING OWN ME!  
CCG: NICE TRY ASSHOLE!  
FCG: I MEAN, YOU’RE GONNA BE ME IN TEN MINUTES  
FCG: SO  
FCG: I GUESS I ACTUALLY DID.  
CCG: OH, SO THIS IS WHY YOU DECIDE TO LEAVE THIS CONVERSATION???  
CCG: YOU GOT OWNED, SO YOU HAD TO SLINK AWAY LIKE A FUCKING COWARD??????  
FCG: HOLY SHIT.  
FCG: I’M GONNA GO NOW.  
FCG: I THINK I’LL GO HANG OUT WITH...  
FCG: CARE TO VENTURE A GUESS???  
FCG: YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT.  
FCG: DAVE.  
FCG: THAT’S SOUNDING REAL NICE RIGHT ABOUT NOW.  
FCG: THANK FUCK I HAVE SOMEONE TO TALK TO BESIDES YOU.  
CCG: FUCK YOU!!  
FCG: *YOU* ON THE OTHER HAND ARE GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL THIS SHIT FOR ANOTHER TEN MINUTES.  
FCG: IT’S PROBABLY ACTUALLY FOR THE BEST.  
FCG: ...YEAH WOW  
FCG: I’M SO GLAD I GOT THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM WITH YOU AND NOT HIM.  
FCG: HE DOES *NOT* NEED TO FUCKING SEE THIS.  
CCG: NICE TRY SHIT HEAD, BUT I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET.  
CCG: YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN TONE DOWN THE SHOUT POLES??  
CCG: YOU *ARE* ME, DICKWIPE!!  
FCG: OH MY GOD.  
CCG: DON’T YOU FUCKING FORGET IT!!!!  
FCG: THAT’S IT.  
FCG: I’M DONE.  
FCG banned himself from responding to memo.  
CCG: FINE, GET OUT OF HERE! GOOD RIDDANCE!  
CCG: AS IF I COULD TAKE ANOTHER SPONGE WRINGING MINUTE OF YOUR HOLIER THAN THOU DRIVEL.  
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 10 MINUTES AGO opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, HUMAN GIBBERISH TRANSLATION EDITION.  
PCG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY DOING THIS MEMO BULLSHIT AGAIN.  
PCG: I GUESS I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.  
PCG: I JUST NEED TO AIR OUT SOME SHIT WITH SOMEBODY, AND THERE’S LITERALLY NO ONE HERE I CAN TALK TO WHO DOESN’T HAVE 17 DIFFERENT ULTERIOR MOTIVES.  
PCG: AND THAT FUCKING KNOWING LOOK IN THEIR EYE  
PCG: YOU KNOW THE ONE  
PCG: THE ONE THAT’S ONE PART SMIRKING INNUENDO  
PCG: ONE PART PITY  
PCG: AND NOT THE SEXY KIND OF PITY  
PCG: JUST THE POOR FUCKING KARKAT THANK THE FUCKING STARS I MANAGED TO CRAWL OUT OF A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT PILE OF SLUDGE THAN HIM OR I WOULD’VE OFFED MYSELF LONG AGO KIND  
PCG: AND ALSO ONE PART FUCK YOU  
PCG: DIRECTED AT ME  
PCG: OBVIOUSLY  
PCG: ...  
PCG: YOU KNOW?  
PCG: HEY, ARE YOU THERE?  
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCG: FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.  
PCG: OH FUCK!  
PCG: WAIT  
PCG: OH...  
PCG: HEY  
CCG: I CAN'T  
CCG: I JUST CANNOT  
CCG: *FUCKING*  
CCG: ***BELIEVE***  
CCG: I HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THIS BULLSHIT AGAIN WITH YOU/ME.  
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK MADE ME THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA???  
PCG: UH  
PCG: BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER...  
PCG: THIS IS ME, RIGHT?  
CCG: OH WOW, WHAT TIPPED YOU OFF????  



End file.
